2 Months after DX

I am definitely feeling a little overwhelmed right now… just 2mos. since the Dx, at least 6mos. into a worsening exacerbation, and I took it all — MS, my chronic symptoms — as “just another thing” to be dealt with. I was confident that going back to work the following Monday was absolutely the right answer — I didn’t want to change a thing about my life. In my mind, my life would still proceed exactly as I intended, MS or not. I guess the IVSM made me feel invincible, gave me a little too much of that “Pollyana” outlook… of course, I’ve spent over a decade shrugging off symptoms like an optimistic, blonde child. But, as per the Wikipedia plot summary, Pollyana’s “robust optimism” hit a downward spiral.

Getting up from (yet another) fall and being blind? Yeah, I’ll call 911 but since my vitals were fine, I figured I just needed to sit it out. Someone said to me yesterday, “You know it’s not… normal… to get up after a fall and be blind, right?”

I realized it had felt normal to me. I’ve been living with this disability for so long without knowing there was a disability there, that I still didn’t really comprehend it until yesterday. Ten years of “oh-I-must-just-be-crazy” to things like horrible nerve pain and paralysis, five years, now, of blaming a bad ER doc’s misdiagnosis. And another three more years of seeing doctors who didn’t assume anything was wrong with that diagnosis. Dismissed by my ENT during the beginning of the last exacerbation with seasickness patches, despite every test for vertigo (nystagmus, etc) clearly showing I was not experiencing vertigo.

Of course I assumed life expected me to just go back to work. My job, where I didn’t even know what a terrible job I was now doing because of my vision and trembling hands. I wasn’t going to let MS change me — “I have MS, it doesn’t have me,” right?

This is the first time I just can’t take comfort in that statement. I’m scared, and I don’t know what to do with my life right now.

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