Every cloud has an Ag lining

The Spoon Story is basic elementary reading for those of us with chronic illnesses. When I was first Dx’ed, I read it often and subscribed to it wholly.

Then I moved home into a million little fibers of family. And I love my family — don’t get me wrong; I would be a completely different and much less well-adjusted person than I am without them. Each and every one. But there is drama — whether good, bad or just plain Springer — and as someone who learned how to restructure their life in a way both cognizant and zen-like so as to do what I can to guarantee the stability of my health, most of that drama is tantamount to stress. This can cause things I generally have under control to relieve their fealty.

Today I have been dizzy and weeping in a way I have not been in weeks. Before I could reach my morning coffee, I had a family member screaming at me. The same kind of terrifying but needless shame I felt as a child which I am now proud to say I do not address and from which I simply walk away. But the spoons that kind of event takes from my daily supply cannot be replaced by an apology. I am 75% down on the supply for today, and still can get nothing back through rest. And rest is my only weapon.

So I walked away crying. And instant and relentless dizziness, nausea and fatigue came rolling into my day like an unexpected severe weather pattern. I got done as much as I could during the day because visitors I have never met are coming to the house on Monday and things have to be done. Rooms here are still packed ceiling-high with boxes of things that won’t fit in their new spaces. I need to clean the bathroom, make a blueberry pound cake and try to make sense of the horror that is, and has been, my bedroom. Plus whatever tasks I am given.

My car, which just had a new engine transplant, is now sitting idly back at the shop with an exploded transmission. I cannot find a job to hire me — have not been able to since my previous employer laid me off in 2008 — and I have exhausted my unemployment. Oh, and was denied Medicare.

I cannot for the life of me see the silver linings out there right now.

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