“But you don’t LOOK sick!”

No, I just look fat. But thanks.

And I’m not being dramatically modest here — I have been overweight for nearly all my life. I snagged some prize recessive traits from the gene pool like red hair and Thalassemia, but I must’ve left my metabolism behind with the Italian melanin.

My bridesmaid’s dresses have arrived for the two weddings I will be in before the end of the year; they are beautiful but I cannot look at myself in the mirror and see myself as beautiful in them.  Again, this is not a new sensation. It wasn’t until I finally dropped 60lbs that I felt like I knew the body attached to my brain, and I am deeply ashamed of not maintaining it over the last year.

Perhaps I could excuse it all away — I left a nearly nine year relationship and moved back home right at the beginning of the holiday season last year. Baked goods and large meals coupled with suddenly being alone (not that I hadn’t already been for years, of course) was the perfect recipe for gaining a lot of the weight back.

If I want to go even deeper into the excuses, I could say that I lost fifty of the sixty pounds leading up to my MS Dx. That stubbornly trying to increase my physical activity in the heat is what landed me in the hospital for my first MRI.

But spending time finding the tentacles of causation in no way leads me to a solution. I know that losing weight could make me feel at least marginally better; if I wasn’t intelligent enough to comprehend that fact alone I could simply recall a hundred doctors’ advice.

This time I’m going to have to call the WAAAAHmbulance on myself. Self-pity only leads to more binging and I’m no good with the purging so my only option is to be aware of everything I put in my mouth. I got used to being a size 12-14  (I really am big-boned; much smaller and I’d be alienish) and feel entitled to be back there; even getting eyeballed by rednecks is titillating when nobody has previously ever eyeballed you. I was treated better by people in public than I ever had been and I already miss it.

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