Not Always a Wish Your Heart Makes


“Red Soul” ©2009

One of the many positives about moving from Betaseron to Gilenya has been the return of dreams. I started having flashes during the day of images from the night before; they were just flashes. There was nothing to remember other than Omigod, I must’ve had a dream last night! 

It’s been about three years since I’ve been able to recall a dream. Over the last couple of weeks the flashes became faces and the faces became segments. So far two of the three of these segments have been about being unable to read well. In the first, I received from my best friend a gift membership to a book club and fretted over how to tell her I haven’t been able to comfortably read a book in years.

As for the second dream I remember having in the last three years, it too was about not being able to read well. For some unbeknownst dreamy reason I had Google Glasses, which made me feel super trendy and financially secure… until I turned them on to a smeared, blurry internet. I couldn’t even read the internet now?

Wow, psyche. Sending messages? Listen here, I know this is one of my worst fears slowly coming to pass but that doesn’t mean it also won’t pass me completely. Near completely. Of all the terrible things that have, and could, happen to me over the course of this stupid disease nothing has or does scare me more than losing my vision.

295614_10201458442490056_1160374636_nI can’t read blocks of text properly, comfortably or well. I’m only slightly colorblind now. I have accommodated myself well enough to still believe I am an artist and can call myself as much. I am trying to write more — as much as I can — and now my fingers are having a little difficulty navigating the keys. This could, in tandem with losing some of the vision in my right eye, be enough to alarm me to inaction.

I recognize this and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Do you know what being scared is now a red flag for? It’s a red flag that tells me with a friendly wave that I need a


  • I am grateful to be having and remembering dreams again.
  • I am grateful that one dream was about hugging a friend’s mother.
  • I am grateful for even the nastiest places from which I’ve come because those places have provided a lot of creative inspirations that won’t run out any time soon.
  • I am grateful for the emotional and financial help my parents give me.
  • I am grateful for the so many good ways in which my wife has changed my life.
  • I am grateful for my wife’s work ethic and the love she has for her work.
  • I am grateful for Cowboy! All the time!


    Cow to the Boy!

  • I am grateful for incredible friends.
  • I am grateful for firefly synchronization, and
  • Grateful to be going with my nieces soon.
  • I am grateful for my ravenously smart, strong and wild nieces.
  • I am grateful for my big brothers.
  • I am grateful for this avenue of keeping an accountability journal.
  • I am grateful to you for reading this; thank you for being part of what’s making me feel a lot better right now.
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