Discombobulation: The Silent (or, at least pretty unintelligable) Killer

Judging by this one thing on the internet that I’m not married to the veracity of, the chances on experiencing “disorientation” jump dramatically from your twenties to your thirties.

Untitled-2

I during my twenties considered myself aging like a properly shelved fine wine, not like a jar of mayonnaise that was left outside in Al Aziziyah, Libya. Hindsight is confirmation that for me cognitive difficulties have matured over the last several years. A large part of my day is now spent sitting wide-eyed recounting what I got done since I woke and what else needs to be done. Usually the wide eyes stick and I am lost in the downward spiral of feeling overwhelmed by all the things I’d like to be taking care of if

  • I wasn’t so dizzy.
  • my legs weren’t so heavy.
  • it wasn’t so hot outside.
  • my eyes would calm down.
  • the fatigue wasn’t inwardly crushing.

There are the “easy chores” that make life more tranquil by benefit — setting up the coffee pot for the morning, washing the dishes, wiping counter tops and cooking (cooking isn’t always necessarily easy, but more often a beloved meditative practice). After the easy stuff’s done I can check in with myself; sweeping and laundry would be next on any good housewife’s list but both require certain bending postures that are difficult to come out of. Keep adding to this list any chores or household/financial chores your day might normally require.

At what point on that list do you get a wide-eyed stare of disconnect as though your brain is a breaker box whose circuits just flipped the house dark?

Were I to micromanage the time as I am want to do with all the details of all the things, I don’t know if I’d be able to give a specific answer to that question. I do know that sometimes while my “computer” is rebooting it helps to simply think about happy things; while there is even the smallest moment of limbo between doing- and raging-against-what-is-unable-to-be-done I have the power to reset the attitude into which I went into the breaker.

GRATITUDE ADJUSTMENT

  • I am grateful that I have gotten things done today.
  • I am grateful that I’ve been able to cajole Cowboy into sticking around with me on top of, instead of underneath, the bed today.
  • I am grateful for music of most kinds, but especially this current station on Pandora.
  • I am grateful for a working computer

    Dark Devil's Food with Cream Cheese/Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Icing

    Dark Devil’s Food with Cream Cheese/Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Icing

  • with working internet access.
  • I am grateful that this morning my wife brought me coffee in bed…
  • along with the last two pieces of birthday cake for breakfast.

Oh yeah, me. The day actually started out really nicely — channel that feeling instead of the daily dread daze. There is still daylight and I will get done the things that need to be done today. Not only was I brought my morning coffee from downstairs, it came with cake. Now that is the perspective in which I should keep all of the details of all of this day.

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  1. Thank you so much for your honesty. Right now, today I feel exactly the same and can’t believe that the smart woman I used to be cant even manage to remember what TV show she watched tonight! Hoping you have a great day tomorrow.

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