That Dark Cloud of Slapstick Lurking Over my Shoulder

Miss Molly Twoquacks-McMallard (We discovered her name was "Two Quacks." I made concession by adding it as part of her surname.

Miss Molly Two Quacks-McMallard (We discovered her name was “Two Quacks.” I made concession by adding it as part of her surname.

We have gained — now in addition to devotion by Miss Molly the duck — a squirrel in the attic. Tapping on the walls didn’t seem to phase it so I picked up my cane to tap the ceiling. Y’know, as if wildlife was a noisy upstairs tenant. Turns out that’s not another floor above me, it’s tender drywall because I live in a house, not an apartment.

My wife said that the best part about the hole in the ceiling was the look of utter mortification which spread over my face as my cane smashed through the white popcorn above us. The hole is, deservedly, right above my pillow. A lot of drywall came down.

And half a walnut.

At least the damage was to an inanimate object instead of to myself — it seems I am rarely arriving at PT without a funny [airquotes “funny?”] story about new injuries. Because one of my most recent falls was in the bathroom, the obstacle courses have progressed from straight lines to figure 8’s. Changing directions is not something I am good at, and they know it. Were it not all for the purpose of ultimate good, I’d shake my fist about it. Tomorrow I’ll get to brag about how awesomely I handled my fall at the park this morning. Because, really, it even impressed me.

[Go ahead, picture me at an award ceremony having some kind of ribbon pinned to my shirt about it and maybe balloons are coming down or something.]

Feeling adventurous will not negate the hazards inherent in navigating rocks while holding on to a leashed dog. I felt the “aura” of a fall (that nanosecond before you fully realize that you’re committed to falling) and my body responded as computer:

Portrait at PT, 2013 (small version)

Portrait at PT, 2013 (small version)

  1. falling happening
  2. scan for body’s direction of fall
  3. scan immediately surrounding area
  4. conform body to least injurious position
  5. fall happens

This time, I was able to avoid probably snapping a shin or ankle by knowing to adjust the direction of my fall onto the large-ish rocks stacked against a small dam. I even held on to the leash. [applause here is acceptable] Getting up from a fall with a few tiny scrapes is SO MUCH BETTER when you know it is because you are internally well-trained to protect your body.

Life is cruel though and it could’ve gone a very different direction. I will not embiggen my head [too much] over this one success as more failures are most certainly statistically in my future. Speaking of cruel, check out that picture my wife grabbed of me at PT. I was simply leaning over and looking in my purse for sunglasses (it’s bright in there). I just happened to be there (as my wife would most assuredly want me to point out), in that position, for a period lasting more than sixty seconds. Come on — I couldn’t find the sunglasses and it was a good quad stretch!

Don’t you judge me.

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  1. Falling is an artform. I totally applaud holding on to the leash. 🙂

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