Frayed Wires

frayed wire by Katherine LaLima

frayed wire by [me]

Today I’m blaming the doxycyclene. Well, maybe. It could always just be me, but the shape of this feeling seems specific — the last time I took antibiotics they kept me in bed for a week and today has that same certain “dingy tunnel” sensation. At least I can truthfully claim that in the “always another reason” card game for gamblers who don’t leave the bedroom, the hand I play tries its best not to err on the side of hypochondria. Being in bed all day pisses me off — but the sweet irony there is that I am too tired to fight back.

detail - frayed wire by [me]

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I did get up and accomplish one of the things I wanted to do today. I made my own Larabars. I was going to, from that task, mince some kale, wash the dishes, and set up the coffee pots. Larabars made (with mission figs instead of dates, so I’ve got dark chocolate fig newtons kindof), I sallied forth with other tasks and after one coffee pot walked directly but cautiously back to bed. That’s a less than 50% success rate on morning chores and all that feels accomplished is having had avoided a nap.

Statistics like that increase my mild depression/severe anxiety issues. I’ve started simply expecting to wake into a state of near-panic that shorts my cognitive wires like a faulty breaker box. I know this is optimal for neither health nor interactions with others. I know that the way this feels is consuming to a place of incapacitation. Incapacitation is unacceptable. Living your worst fear is unacceptable when there exist better options. My literal canvases remain blank (upstairs, in a back room) and I feel like therein might lie salvation from the inability to form coherent thoughts.

detail - frayed wire by [me]

click for detail

First thing’s first — it’s Sunday, so:

  • Tomorrow you call and make an appointment with an opthamologist to do the pre-Gilenya ocular edema check.
  • Tomorrow you will get that letter to Gilenya in the mail. It’s in a prepaid envelope, for chrissake.
  • Tomorrow you will go by Urgent Care and have your stitches checked.
  • Tomorrow you get an MRI (at 6:45pm, wha?)
  • TODAY: find out when you’ll get your phone back because crap you didn’t realize you had to print out that email and send it with the phone so is anyone even going to know what to do with it when it arrives (arrived?) via FedEx? See, simple cognitive errors are becoming commonplace. So I need a phone to call doctors with but I may have just sent mine into the vast purgatory of unclaimed packages.

Second things need to happen mostly in tandem, or shortly thereafter:

  • Taxes (filing first time as married!)
  • Enroll in Medicare D, fill Lyrica Rx
  • Enroll wife at (cut off date is 3/31)
  • Find a neuropsychiatrist (I know when I’m getting beat)
  • Contact a different plumber
  • Schedule a home inspection

    Umbria Hillside

    Remember that hillside in Umbria that was so beautiful you sketched it from a bus window then painted it on the rice paper you bought at the market in Urbino? Yes, you are still an artist.

Tertiary priorities:

  • Make some damn art, Kathy.
  • Exercise.
  • Fix that scattered mental rolodex as much as you can and write. What you need is already in your head, it’s just gotten foggy in here s’all.
  • Oh, and get to those dishes if you can and eat more vegetables and go get more band aids for your face. In fact, maybe move “buy band aids” up to TODAY.

In summary, I have a list to follow now. I will do these things and thus will feel healthier and empowered. At least, that’s the plan for today.

EDIT: Oh ok, the phone thing is taken care of. +1 weight lifted!

  1. Lady, you better be nice to you. That’s all I’m sayin.

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