Day 4/5 IV-SM: The Ecstatic Experience

bird-discovers-the-eggThings IV steroids will always remind you like a high school jock who was your friend on Math Team for a semester:

  • YOU NEED MORE PROTEIN, BRO.
  • THE WORLD IS LIKE, TTLY COMPLEX AND BEAUTIFUL AMIRITE
  • BUTTS ARE NICE TO LOOK AT.
  • BOOBS TOO.
  • OMG EVERYONE IS NAKED SOMETIMES
  • MIND = BLOWN
  • I AM CERTAIN OF THE QUALITY OF MY MANY FLEETING IDEAS!
  • LIKE PASSING OUT ON A CHEESEBURGER.
  • IS MY FACE ROUNDER, I FEEL LIKE IT’S ROUNDER
  • BUT YOU NEED MORE PROTEIN, BRO.

I’m finally getting a blessed day around the house without last-minute races around town and to appointments – my body thanks me, and wants to remind me that this is not the time for cocksure victory laps around all of the dirty rooms I have. Yeah, it’s been a rough week and I’m still not convinced my legs are giving a thumbsup yet. But my brain is moving rapidly again with a certitude it hasn’t experienced in weeks.*

I’ve been that frog not knowing it was being slowly boiled (inside its brain, in this case); the IV-SM has been a quick ice bath back into a real, cognitive world. Now, it’s not necessarily helpful to suddenly have 5,000 AWESOME THOUGHTS ALL AT ONCE. Because many of the goons shoving through the doors are just that: goons. It’s nice to suddenly feel like you might have some things both positive and negative to say about the communicative disparities between/among youth cultures on a global scale… but maybe that’s because you can’t get that terrible new song about “Selfies” out of your goddurn head.

I took lots of selfies in my twenties, and it wasn’t even a THING yet. This fact cannot prove whether that in/de-creases my personal qualities as a human being. I’m pretty sure I was trying to get a photograph of myself not looking fat. Which is damn near impossible when you’re morbidly obese and working as a graphic designer in the adult industry with a primary job function to improve the naked bodies of pornstars in Photoshop so as to increase studio profits.**

I do not think that finding beauty in song lyrics is a proof-point of human quality either, but sometimes a song will just stick. This one came back with full-shapes to my memory and I can’t stop dreaming about painting what “Deep Red Bells” look like when I feel their sounds as shapes. I have grown distant from synaesthetic responses over the last few months. IV-SM must affect how the brain lesions might mask some of the very experiences of reality I’ve always known.

“Deep Red Bells” came back in a joyous yet ironic fashion: the song is about interstate serial murder, but the form escalates into such a beautiful choreographed barrage of shapes winging strange, awful celebration that I feel compelled to paint it. Could the beauty I feel here be because of the juxtaposition of beautiful shapes and horrific ideas?***

 

Also I have gained 11lbs since Tuesday, but I cannot seem to feel particularly unhappy about it. Now I’m back to saying “I’ve lost about 100lbs” instead of “I’ve lost over 110lbs.” After having already passed the first thirty years of my life unable to say either of those things, getting steroid weight just increases internal assumptions of my newfound cognitive prowess.

Which is (I am so comfortable admitting) is a little ridiculous and not completely helpful. But these stronger REALLY IMPORTANT FEELINGS will be a great warm up back into a centered self. I look forward to cleaning the kitchen, preparing a meal, finishing up a design gig that’s been largely impossible to handle even as the deadline pulled up and I was stuck in sun glasses with an infusion port in my arm.

I should really stop typing altogether right now.****

http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2602

 

*The certitude also recognizes new problems handling a keyboard and other nominal physical tasks. You’re welcome for the dirth of unresolved typographical errors.

**I should take time to explore this further.

***I should take time to explore this further. Remember how yesterday there was that sudden-memory-flood of the first horrible shapes you ever experienced? You were three or four and walked into a bait shop near Fort Moultrie with dad before going crabbing. It was your first time in a bait shop and you were exited, then horrified and vomitous over what crickets were shaped like in my lungs.

****Draw the mental rolodex! Some things aren’t getting better yet (legs, eyes) but the mental rolodex is tidier and you should try to get before/after ‘roids shots of the mental image. Also, apologize again to everyone for not having yet reestablished proper mental filters.

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    • Gede Prama
    • April 5th, 2014

    Excellent website . Lots of useful info here . Thank you and best regards friendship 🙂

  1. This Selfie song. It is addictive. Also, glad you’re feeling so much better. I’m genuinely jealous of your IV-SM.

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