unstoppable force/immovable object

In another TeleHealth appointment with my neurologist, I was told that after I am vaccinated, we can move ahead with my second round of Lemtrada infusions. This round will only be three days not five, so I’m thinking that I’ll probably lose fewer T cells this pass (fingers crossed). It shouldn’t take as long to recover enough to see the simultaneously miniscule and massive benefits.This is where I put some of what hope remains in walking better and falling less.

Last week, there was both a “using walker outdoors” fall and a “can’t get off the floor thereby sustaining more injury long after hitting bottom” fall. Plus, I fall onto the bed a lot and can’t always move when that happens.

I take offense at my pale self for not bruising more easily. Of course I cannot be legitimately disappointed but they do serve to help validate me as a living human.

The “using walker outdoors” fall happened on the sidewalk between the porch and car. The fall is a flash during which I make batlike microdecisions. It’s a little like this:

ALARM FALLING BACKWARDS
PUSH WALKER FROM FALL TRAJECTORY
SWING RIGHT LAND IN MULCH NOT ON CONCRETE
CAT’S GOING DOWN WITH ME SHIT ROLL A HARDER RIGHT
PROTECT YOUR HEAD ALWAYS PROTECT YOUR HEAD
BOOM

Then the aftermath

don’t. move.
anything broken? no.
blood? no.
best way to repair current position?
can you sit up? can you face this direction?
can you get on your knees?
can you just wallow around in that mulch for a second?
oh look the neighbor!
cat, already standing, is on top of it and retrieves masks for everyone
a masked hero helped Cat get me vertical and safely into the car
hero-neighbor is a hero.

The “can’t get off the floor thereby sustaining more injury long after hitting bottom” fall was a lot. When I fall on the bed, I can get myself back back to the bed and as long as both knees have made it onto the mattress. If they don’t, and if Cat’s not here, my only resolution is sliding backwards off the bed onto my knees. 40% chance I can get up on my own. This one of the times I couldn’t move my limbs well. It was a 20 minute affair of trying and failing and falling and uh-oh three head-to-furniture interruptions and crying because I’m so furious that my body just won’t. It won’t.

Oh, then due to emotional lability I will full on wail and gnash my teeth. I am FURIOUS with my inhumanely weak self. Feeling emotions makes me a terrible show. Afterwards, I will be exhausted in that insidious MS fashion.

Ok.

Negativity calls for a hard left into pet pics.